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Dark Shadows – A Depp-Dark Void for Comedy

I have to start this review out with a major, major sigh. The other night, Mike and I took a break from moving to jump into the Halloween spirit and rent a movie On Demand. The ultimate decision… Should we see Chernobyl Diaries or Dark Shadows. In my mind this reads, “Hills Have Eyes 3 or Something with Johnny Depp?”

So, now that we’re all on the same page with why we chose Dark Shadows, I was pumped. Pumped to have a little bit of creepy edge on my urge to laugh and giggle. That’s like the ultimate recipe for spooky, right? Laughing when you’re really just nervous?

Well, before you waste a bag of popcorn and a perfectly good $4.99, know this–this is NOT the movie to do so on. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny…. What went wrong here with ole Timmy Burton? I don’t understand. The trailers were fabulous. The build-up was adequate. I was sad I didn’t see it in theatres.

Well, as we say so often, things do happen for a reason… and the fact that at least I was in my pajamas and sitting on our (fabulous) couch was really the only thing going for us on this evening. The story was disjointed, pointless and completely chemistry-free. It felt like it either went by way too slow or way too fast… and for which point there is probably no real solution except taking it back to the drawing board. It’s the definition of over-the-top and seems to be desperately over-compensating for something… Although we know it’s not the libido of a centuries-old wang, because (in the fashion of random, disconnected scenes) there’s a rabid love-fest to disprove it. (Question marks like crazy). This scene was awkward to watch… even for me and Mike, like you want it to end, because you’re not even sure why it’s happening, or why it’s happening the way it’s happening. Ugh. Disgrace. I actually just shook my head writing about it.

Michelle Pfeiffer tries her best, Jackie Earle Haley is miscast for a character so underused, and I will admit to you that even after days of contemplating the sense of this flick, I still don’t really understand where they were going with it.

So, maybe this year just stick with Jason #1-#241534472, or hit the theaters for something mindless that will at least make you jump. Me? I am going to sit back and continue to wait for another great scare. Mike’s wanting it to be Sinister… so we’ll see.


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